The Long Walk Through My Heart

The roads here seemed dirtier, the streets and surroundings less cultivated and the faces less friendly. Even the air felt heavier, making it more difficult for me to breath. As if my own emotions weren’t suffocating me enough.
However, I quickly made peace with the fact that this might very well be the longest walk I had ever dared to face - the long road through my heart.
As I furthered down the streets of Kuilsriver, on route to his house, old memories of the surrounding areas enveloped me in child hood moments.  I use to be so comfortable here. I use to love walking through the cocooned back streets and play in the old neglected park next to the library. I remember the days when I would hunt for grasshoppers and other small critters that I could call friend. It was then that I realised that life is only as perfect as you make it out to be.
It might seem like a bold statement and you might think I’m crazy for making it, but to me it’s true. I had hurt my ex before, I was well aware of that fact. I had hurt his family with lies and false rumors, just so that I could sooth my own anger. It seemed so petty now. To waste all that time and effort, pushing away the people that I would one day run to for help. Perhaps they had forgive me? Perhaps they had moved on from my betrayal? The only hope that I had was the hope of telling them I am sorry and the hope that they would not massacre me in the process.
Memories faded as I drew closer to the corner cafe of an unknown street. It seemed like one of those worn out shops that no one visited and charged 14 rand for what was suppose to be a cheap loaf of bread. I couldn't help but wonder what I was getting myself in to?

The corner cafe seemed less threatening while I passed it, this was clearly the point of town where the people started to smile again. I realized that I actually knew this part, it was Soneike, I had not lived far from this exact house all too long ago.
The plot was composed of a colossal garden and an even bigger brick faced house. The eerie clouds that encompassed the plot made it seem like I was entering a scene in a horror movie and that was exactly how I felt.
At least I was not left alone with my fears and doubts for too long. The front door swung open, and he came out...

Moments Before Perfect Moments

It has been so long since I saw him. Up until today it has been exactly seven months and thirteen days since I last laid eyes upon him. I didn’t know what to expect, how could I know for sure?

I bet that he has changed allot. It was the only thought that came to mind – and it spiraled out of control.

My hair is longer, my eyes are darker and my anger had faded though the jealous tendencies remained prominent. It was a battle on my to-do list, a quirk in my personality that I still had to overcome.  I was living alongside the ocean now, Simon’s Town to be exact. That is another thing that changed about me, the wild city boy had become a part of the serine small town folk.

I liked it here, I said goodbye to him alongside the shorelines of Muizenberg. While I lived here I would always be close to that. The waves brought in memories of our past love with every tide and every rise and fall told a story, even the pounding of the cold ocean water against the rocks sang of precedent events. It provided me with a comfort. I would never have to feel the pain that came after the break up if I never moved on from saying goodbye.

It was only recently that I noticed that it meant my love life would also have to come to a standstill. However, I guess that I am fine with that. He always was and always would be the white knight on the dashing stallion. So many dark knights have risen to fight against him, fight for my honor and hand but they all had fallen. I know it is because I was looking for a piece of him in all of them. I knew that it was wrong. my guilt played a perfect testament to that. Still, I cannot help but wonder if I am truly in the wrong for not wanting to give up on something that was perfect. Is it truly that wrong to not want to give up on someone you believe to be your soul mate? Maybe I am wrong, perhaps even delusional for believing in something that only seemed to work out in fairy tales.

Question swirled around in my head forming a cyclone of uneasiness around me, enveloping me in my own world. It was a world where unanswered questions reigned supreme. It was only that knight that could make me so confused and disorientated. It reminded me that sometimes one has to lose you balance due to love to gain true balance in life.  It might seem like a silly quote, but it was how I knew that I was still in love with him. Every time I start to think or wonder about him, about us, I would lose my balance completely. Logic wasn’t applicable anymore and sense didn’t make sense anymore. However, I was at my happiest each and every time.

The sound of screeching train brakes tore apart the thick cocoon that was forming between me and reality and as I set my first foot on the train, my heart started racing.

I knew where I was going although I didn’t know what to expect but my emotions were certain.

The Knight In Dark Armor

He came into my life on a horse that was darker than night. In the distance it seemed as if the rider was clothed with armor as silver as the full moon on a clear night. You never expect something like this to happen, you had just fallen off of the horse of your previous rider and now someone else comes galloping along, ready to save the damsel all over again. You think just because you are human it justifies longing to be loved so you climb on to the new rider's horse.
The ride was more enticing than that of the rider on the white horse. He was not afraid to push the limits of his familiar, he sped through the mountain valleys and around the benches. He made adrenaline surge through every fiber of my being. He made me feel alive again in ways that I've been dead for so long.
When he touched me I felt something unfamiliar surge from the point of his touch. It was not like when the rider on the white horse touched me, it was not the familiar surge of white hot intensity, it was pure adrenaline that erupted and made me feel alive. When he kissed me it set every strand of my existence on vibrate. It made me feel different, it was thrilling, it was changing me. I was in it for the thrill of the adventure and the hunt after the Happily Every After was set aside.
However, after the rides ended I noticed the white horse, I knew so well, not far behind. Lurking in the shadows. A guardian that wanted to protect me. I was in sync and happy with the white horse near by, but the knight shiny armor was someone I was not ready to face yet.
Soon the dark horse would be back and the white horse would disappear into the shadows once more, and I knew that when i am alone again he would return again.
The rider's armor looked different every time he picked me up. I noticed the cracks and scorch marks that signaled imperfections. However, one could not overlook his natural beauty. His eyes were perfect reflections of the earth, a brown that engulfed your soul in paradise. His tanned dark brown skin made everything else seem pale and the warm touch of his hands could melt glaciers. Even his body was different from that of the previous rider, more enticing and luring. Every curve seemed well defined and angelically etched. If you took these things into account, an adrenaline seductive paradise could easily overshadow the scorches and scratches, but would it ever help to move on and forget about the knight in shiny armor?
I guess all I need is the air I breathe and chest to rest my head, but is it what I wanted and would the dark rider always be there? Would Jaime be there me like my ex always was...

Even Waves Collide

The beach. Something so wonderful if you think about it. Millions and millions of grains that work together to form beautiful dunes and waves of ash blond scenic beauty. However, I was not visiting the beach today. I was in Muizenberg to seek guidance of a pure soul older than the humans, the ocean.

I was uncomfortably seated on a set of railings that encased the life guard watchtowers, listening to the crowds of people as they ranted on about the flags and sirens that warned them about sharks in the waters. I knew I was not there to visit the sharks or even the fear of the people. However, as time danced around me I could not help but notice that these deep blue waters were actually answering my questions. Teaching me a tale of the old, a tale of wisdom.

If you think about it, relationships are allot like waves. They're perfectly in sync and move together and there are always sharks in it that bring misfortune and chase away those things that you enjoy. Problems that come and go and if you are strong enough you stay in sync and wait for the laughter and joy to return. Still, sometimes sharks are not the only nightmares you have to face. This is something I realized as I sat there conferring with the waters. I was enjoying the waves as they moved together. They were revealing the truth of soul mates, even bringing back memories of the man I was so in sync with once, but then something happened that revealed the devastation of loss. A gust of wind rolled over the beach, blowing some sand into my eyes. With great haste I rubbed my eyes with two fist clenched tight, hoping to subside the aching and scratching nuisance and I succeeded. However, when I had regained my sight and saw the truth, I longed for another gust to bring forth sands to blind me once more. The waves I found so intriguing, the waves that were so perfectly in tune with one another had started to clash and separate. They drew back into the ocean still mad at one another and came back different. They were in tune with the path of their destination once more yet they were not the same any more. The one was faster and the other slower, one short and the other wide, one higher and one lower. It reminded me of something I heard in one of those witch horrors I loved to watch so often. “You can't bring someone back from the dead, because they will never be the same.” It was something that answered my question. Relationships are the same, they are like waves.

It has been three, almost four, weeks since the Wimpy incident where I had hoped that our currents would collide again. Four weeks where I had enough time to pick myself up and get to the point where I just missed him and only hurt a little more than necessary. Unfortunately in truth I had only two weeks to recuperate seeing that he came back into my life two weeks ago.

In the beginning I was so happy. My soul mate was back in my life, how could I not be? The heartache and tears were finally gone again. Little did I know then that they would only subside to give way to even more doubts, fears and questions. All I remember now about that day we parted was hoping and longing that our currents would meed up again, and they did. So why was I not happy? However, now that I heard the tale of the wise I can't help but wonder. Did our currents truly meet up or are we just two waves after the clash.

I was with the man I loved. I had not longed to love another like I use to love him, like I still do. Yet sill, I found him to be so different since we've been together again. His goofy smile and starlit eyes were still the same. Even the feeling of his lips against mine felt like it use to, but something about him was different. Before, I use to wonder when the wedding date would be and now the only thing I seem to wonder is if he still loves me.

I guess that he had answered that question for me last night when he asked me to do something that was not of my nature at all. He had requested of me to do something with him, something we use to share, something held sacred, something I use to call love, in front of another man. The shock had vibrated through me, the fact that he wanted to share our love with another man in bed broke down the barriers I had placed around my tears. The thought of how he got excited when I played along, hoping that he would say it was just a joke, brought tears to my eyes again and only this time I was not alone, I was surrounded by crowds of people. Crying over the truth, crying over the fact that he didn't love me any more. He loved my body.

Doubts are multiplying and questions are mounting. Are we two waves after the clash or are we just broken currents trying to meet up and be whole again. If the world and my mind says no, but my heart says yes, who do I listen to? Seeing that my heart has failed me once before.