It was a dark cold night outside even the heavenly lights that painted the skies in our darkest hours was obscured with obscure clouds, warning its children of a pending storm. I found myself inside a poorly lit room with the frosty breath of the night piercing my lungs. How I longed for the abilities of immortal creatures, I would not have to suffer the influx of the night then.
The faint light that came from the lamps on the bedside table provided no warmth as my childlike mind thought, yet it was the only thing that separated the night from me. At the other end of the room was the only heat source I so desperately longed for. My boyfriend. However, he was busy with work that could not be subsided.
After my mind found rest and silence enveloped me I could clearly hear the inconsistent words become clear. Jaygé was informing me of the book he had recently started to read. Blomme vir Leon. I never truly enjoyed Afrikaans novels; however the line that came through the barriers of my cocooned mind struck my core.
He killed himself after he found out that he has AIDS. The line bounced around, surfing through my thoughts, repelling of the walls of my mentality and striking my awareness once more.
Usually such a statement would have no effect on my, it was just a line in a fictional romance. Yet still, it brought forth the possible reality that my imagination had synthesized earlier during the week.
I could feel my heart breaking as the thought swept clear all other thoughts, I could feel my facial expression becoming neutral and I could hear his words clearly.
What’s wrong love?
The memory started to play off like a movie, and I started to tell him of this sickening possibility.
I was standing in front of a coffin. The room went dark as allowed myself to be sucked into the fictional world in my head, even the cold subsided and I could feel the sun on my skin.
As I walked to the coffin I saw your body in it. I swallowed hard, trying to blink back the tears. My heart was breaking apart, old scars that healed reopened and I could feel the pain ooze from the tattered seams.
I looked down at your face, the face I had so loved. I came to realize that I would never be able to see you again, never feel you close to me, never hear you say ‘I love you’, never see your smile again. It became impossible to hold back the tears now; they were streaming down my face, striking the white bed linen with a sickening thud. The pain was so real, my whole world was falling apart. The only thing that saved me from caving in was his hand on my shoulder, his soft words trying to sooth away the emptiness.
He kneeled in front of me, pulling me out of the world that caused me so much hurt and turmoil. He wiped away the tears while his eyes reddened as well. His words were almost a whisper, still trying to ebb away the thoughts that now possessed my consciousness.
“I’ll never leave you, I promise you that and not even death will break that promise. I love you Edward, a love I have never felt. You’re my soulmate, how could you even think that death could separate us.” He said his voice cracking under the pressure of pending tears.
“But…” I started, but was interrupted by him.
“Even if I die before you, I will always be a part of you. This body is but a house for my soul, a soul that is pure energy. When I die and my soul is free, I will be a part of the air you breathe, a part of the water you drink, a part of the tree you rest under.”
It wasn’t the most satisfying answer, but it made the tears less. But they were still there, allowing the blood of a broken heart to fall to the floor and part from me. For now I was back in the cold room, the room that had bad lighting and a dreary atmosphere looming to the atmosphere. The only thing that was different now was the arms of my lover the embraced me, trying to stop the tears that persisted to present themselves.
“I know this is not very romantic and I wanted to do it in such a better manner…” he paused for a moment, gathering his breath, steadying himself. “Will you marry me Edward?”
The room went dark again, the furniture faded into a null void, the air fell away and the tears had stopped. I was standing on the thin lined that separated love from logic.
Looking up from his chest I tried to find some form of humor in his eyes. Was he joking? But no, his eyes were filled with love and compassion, warmth. He was serious.
I gathered my breath, feeling lightheaded and disorientated, and started off my answer, “Jaygé…”
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