It has been almost, if not more, than two years since I posted my first blog on the edwardwinter.blogspot domain. It started out with Love, Life and Inspiration and got so many different names in between that I can't even start to remember some of them. If I had to start counting the times that I have changed the appearance of the blog, I would need more fingers and toes than what South Africa could deliver. The thing is, I like change and it helps me to work through certain things in my life. My countless flatmates could account for that, they knew to never bring arguments into a room where they liked the furniture the way it is.
Today, for some reason this blog popped into my mind again. I went into my browser and typed in the address and as the page opened so many memories came flooding back. Memories, that hurt and others that filled me with joy and hope. Obviously, if you have gathered my OCD tendencies by now you would be able to decipher what my next step would be. Yes, you guessed right, change the name and change the look. However, what would that help me in the end because the stories would still be there and I had to get rid of them - delete the blog would be the only option wouldn't it? The only thing that stopped me, was the reason this blog ever started.
The reason found me on the 3rd of June 2010, at a friends house that is not my friend anymore. I can still remember the first thought that popped into my head as he walked through the door that fateful night "Tonight is going to be a waste of time, he is so out of your league". For some reason, I changed my relationship status on Facebook to it's complicated after he left and the very next day I changed it to in a relationship because he had asked me out. My life spiraled into a thousand different directions since then - and I never complained. A month later we got engaged and we were so in love, another two months into the future and we had moved in together. For the first time in my life I had a family that cared for me no matter what and a partner that loved me unconditionally. If you knew how I looked back then than you would probably understand better.
I'm the one in black if you haven't seen me yet. My face only looks that big because my xxl shirt was filled to the brim with cellulite. Still for some odd reason the poor sap loved me, my initial thought the most of the time was that he had a fat fetish. Who knows?
Everything went perfect and everything was, until the 17th of November that same year. Basically we broke up, I moved to Kraaifontein, but still we retained contact. On more levels than one though. I guess we, or at least I, was still in love with him. The 24th of June 2012 I moved back in with him and we started to date again on the same day. However, we had outgrown one another and neither of us wanted to admit it. I still loved him on some level and he still cared for me on another. Still, the initial bonfire that existed had tuned down into somewhat of a dwindling candle flame. We tried to make it work, we really did but too many things had happened and too many things were still happening. On some level we were together and on others not. He's love affairs on the outsides made that evident and I soon followed. Neither of us were truly innocent and when we broke up again on 21st of December we knew it would be final. That is the short and sweet version, if you want long and dramatic just read through my other blogs.
Since then I haven't been able to give myself to anyone or anything other than my work. The reason and I still have contact to this day, actually at this very moment his whatsapp messages is breaking my concentration. So just hold on while I tell him to shhh-ut UP!
...
and I am back! So as you can see we are still on speaking terms, but for some reason I could not understand why I couldn't bring myself to love another after him. Right now you are probably thinking I'm going to write about it being fate, not happening. The reason why was made evident as I browsed through the blogs earlier. I haven't let him go, I haven't let the Reason go, I haven't let Jayge Carstens go.
That's why I am writing this blog. The final Love, Life and Inspiration blog. I am saying goodbye to him and my past. I'm starting a new life, that will still encompass the past but set it aside so far that it won't affect me or who I aim to be. I'm still going to annoy you with new blog links though, that's a promise and I will continue using this domain to host it. I'm just going to change the name and the look. A new beginning for me and a new beginning for edwardwinter.blogspot.com
This Is Life!
Today, for some reason this blog popped into my mind again. I went into my browser and typed in the address and as the page opened so many memories came flooding back. Memories, that hurt and others that filled me with joy and hope. Obviously, if you have gathered my OCD tendencies by now you would be able to decipher what my next step would be. Yes, you guessed right, change the name and change the look. However, what would that help me in the end because the stories would still be there and I had to get rid of them - delete the blog would be the only option wouldn't it? The only thing that stopped me, was the reason this blog ever started.
The reason found me on the 3rd of June 2010, at a friends house that is not my friend anymore. I can still remember the first thought that popped into my head as he walked through the door that fateful night "Tonight is going to be a waste of time, he is so out of your league". For some reason, I changed my relationship status on Facebook to it's complicated after he left and the very next day I changed it to in a relationship because he had asked me out. My life spiraled into a thousand different directions since then - and I never complained. A month later we got engaged and we were so in love, another two months into the future and we had moved in together. For the first time in my life I had a family that cared for me no matter what and a partner that loved me unconditionally. If you knew how I looked back then than you would probably understand better.
Everything went perfect and everything was, until the 17th of November that same year. Basically we broke up, I moved to Kraaifontein, but still we retained contact. On more levels than one though. I guess we, or at least I, was still in love with him. The 24th of June 2012 I moved back in with him and we started to date again on the same day. However, we had outgrown one another and neither of us wanted to admit it. I still loved him on some level and he still cared for me on another. Still, the initial bonfire that existed had tuned down into somewhat of a dwindling candle flame. We tried to make it work, we really did but too many things had happened and too many things were still happening. On some level we were together and on others not. He's love affairs on the outsides made that evident and I soon followed. Neither of us were truly innocent and when we broke up again on 21st of December we knew it would be final. That is the short and sweet version, if you want long and dramatic just read through my other blogs.
Since then I haven't been able to give myself to anyone or anything other than my work. The reason and I still have contact to this day, actually at this very moment his whatsapp messages is breaking my concentration. So just hold on while I tell him to shhh-ut UP!
...
and I am back! So as you can see we are still on speaking terms, but for some reason I could not understand why I couldn't bring myself to love another after him. Right now you are probably thinking I'm going to write about it being fate, not happening. The reason why was made evident as I browsed through the blogs earlier. I haven't let him go, I haven't let the Reason go, I haven't let Jayge Carstens go.
That's why I am writing this blog. The final Love, Life and Inspiration blog. I am saying goodbye to him and my past. I'm starting a new life, that will still encompass the past but set it aside so far that it won't affect me or who I aim to be. I'm still going to annoy you with new blog links though, that's a promise and I will continue using this domain to host it. I'm just going to change the name and the look. A new beginning for me and a new beginning for edwardwinter.blogspot.com
This Is Life!
In Loving Memory
3 June 2010 - 21 December 2013
Thank you for being the inspiration for Love, Life and Inspiration, setting me on the path of chasing and fulfilling my dreams and goals. Life will be as a result of that and thank you for being my first true love.
You'll never be forgotten!
but you are dead to me now
...
Just kidding, friends for life
xoxox
