His words kept on ringing at the back of my head as I watched everyone singing and dancing. They were so oblivious to any of the emotions that truly comprised who I am. How could they know? It had been months since I allowed anyone close enough see the real me. The person behind the blue eyes and perfect portrait smile. However, I knew that at some stage during the evening that smile would fail me and I was scared at the mere thought of who might be here to see the breakdown everyone was expecting.
I still remember the night of the 20th December as if it had only happened two seconds ago. The smell of the flowers as I fell over them running for the door. The thought that those flowers had meant so much when he had given them to me, and then they meant nothing. The gleam of the full moon that spread across the paving and running into his cousin at the gateway as she came home from a party. I can't imagine how my face must have looked but I remember her expression and how she left her party favor to walk with me to the garage for airtime. All I could think about was getting out of there immediately.
Minutes turned into seconds and I had the airtime, the next thing was to call my friend and let him take me away. My only fear was that he wouldn't be awake at two in the morning. I soon discovered that the whole world, including him, was in a place that my pain only existed in nightmares.
I was going to have to spend another night next to him and pretend that everything was fine. Act as if I didn't know that he was next to me dreaming of another man. Holding me, promising he loved me and would never leave us while he had slept with another man earlier that night.That was all I could think about as I said goodnight to his cousin. Haunted by the idea that the man I had given up for so much had gone to someone else for love and pleasure. The man I loved and the man that said he loved me, was in the arms of another every second day. Had I failed him as a boyfriend, was I really that useless to him...or had he failed me?
So I here I am now, the first of February - two months later and finally the mirrors were shattering. I was going to be relieved of the heartache, but at the dispense of looking weaker. I know that everyone told me it was not showing weakness by crying, but how would they understand? I could feel the tears surfacing, the final mirror was shattering and they were all around me. Did it matter? The heartache needed an escape, or so I thought.
I still remember the night of the 20th December as if it had only happened two seconds ago. The smell of the flowers as I fell over them running for the door. The thought that those flowers had meant so much when he had given them to me, and then they meant nothing. The gleam of the full moon that spread across the paving and running into his cousin at the gateway as she came home from a party. I can't imagine how my face must have looked but I remember her expression and how she left her party favor to walk with me to the garage for airtime. All I could think about was getting out of there immediately.
Minutes turned into seconds and I had the airtime, the next thing was to call my friend and let him take me away. My only fear was that he wouldn't be awake at two in the morning. I soon discovered that the whole world, including him, was in a place that my pain only existed in nightmares.
I was going to have to spend another night next to him and pretend that everything was fine. Act as if I didn't know that he was next to me dreaming of another man. Holding me, promising he loved me and would never leave us while he had slept with another man earlier that night.That was all I could think about as I said goodnight to his cousin. Haunted by the idea that the man I had given up for so much had gone to someone else for love and pleasure. The man I loved and the man that said he loved me, was in the arms of another every second day. Had I failed him as a boyfriend, was I really that useless to him...or had he failed me?
So I here I am now, the first of February - two months later and finally the mirrors were shattering. I was going to be relieved of the heartache, but at the dispense of looking weaker. I know that everyone told me it was not showing weakness by crying, but how would they understand? I could feel the tears surfacing, the final mirror was shattering and they were all around me. Did it matter? The heartache needed an escape, or so I thought.
